Palpy's in My Closet and I Don't Know What To Do!
by Tiana Calthye
Summary: I woke up one morning to a power surge, which wasn't that odd, however, what was in my closet was... Chapter Three up-- Palpy drinks Coke... Humor Sorta AU, not a Mary-Sue. PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Palpatine's in my Closet

**Palpatine's In My Closet...**

_...And I DON'T know what to do! _

Disclaimer: Anything that doesn't belong to me belongs to someone else. Thus, SW isn't mine, but the OCs are. Happy? This fanfiction is the product of an insane sleepover... 

A/N: 'Tis in first person view because it was the only way it would work. Heh. So enjoy getting into my mind... 

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Dear Diary: 

If someone had told me last year that I'd be stuck in the heart of a political conspiracy, I would've laughed in their face, and told them they were crazy. If someone would've told me I'd be stuck with an insane Emperor-- not to mention DEAD Emperor-- I would've called them men in white coats. If someone would've told me my best friend would find Gollum in her closet-- well, knowing her, I would've actually believed them, but that's beside the point. It's also a year ago too. 

Now it's different. Who would've guessed that I'd be stuck with an insane Emperor at the heart of some conspiracy to rule the galaxy... that was rhetorical, by the way. I don't expect anyone to answer that. Not even my diary... sigh. 

Oh well, I suppose the best place to start is the beginning-- the very best place to start... a long time ago-- well, a year ago, anyhow-- in a land that wasn't exactly far, far away... 

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I woke up in the morning of September 27th, 04 to a power surge, which wasn't that odd. The day is a Monday, if you were interested... yesterday was Sunday... yeah, typical. Power surges happen, though not _that_ often when you live in a mini town like myself. But it wasn't exactly odd. I'm Canadian, 17 years old, and from Laketown, Alberta. If you haven't heard of it, well, that's fine, because it doesn't actually exist. Well, if it sounds familiar, then you've probably read The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Because there's a Lake Town in there... and the names are similar. ((DISCLAIMER 2: No, this town does not exist to my knowledge, if it does, well SORRY! Sorry to Tolkien for borrowing his name, but I'd rather not use a real place, and I was uncreative.)) 

Anyhow, I got up and got dressed. Sure, there was no power, but it was late anyway. Late enough that I could see to get dressed. It also was not exactly cold either. I mean, it _was_ noon. However, when I opened my closet, I found myself in shock. Literally. I mean, it's not everyday that you open your closet to get fried by blue lightning bolts. It's also not very fun. If anyone's ever stuck their finger in a lightsocket, well, then you know how I felt. Sadly, it wasn't a lightsocket that had fried me. I really do wish it had been a lightsocket. Or something less... foreboding. 

The day was bright and sunny, with not a cloud in sight. A shame, really, because when evil, foreboding things like this happen it's suppose to be dark, dreary, and even better, stormy! But it was nice outside. Really nice. For Canada, anyhow... around 20 of our degrees. For the sake of Americans, it was 70, and _don't_ get me started on Kelvin degrees. Well, actually, I lied. There was a cloud in sight, but that cloud was only my little sister, Cloud. Her name is Cloud. She had it changed. She's also not my little sister either. She's actually an elf, and is 2,300 years old, from Middle-earth, and was accidentally teleported here into my sister's body. I don't know what happened to my sister, Ashley, but that's okay, because Cloud is cool, and Ashley's probably in Middle-earth now, being her typical Mary-Sue. Did I mention that I have a very weird family/friends/etc? My other sister is Tiana, she's nearly 15, and thinks she's a Jedi, I think. Don't ask. She's trying to convince mom to finance her a trip to Coruscant. My mom is an elf, or else she's something from the Matrix, and my best friend is a Gollum clone. And my brother's plotting galactic domination... I'm the only sane one here, I think. 

Cloud took one step into my room, where I was on the floor after being fried by lightning that came from my closet, and screamed, "_ Mom! Palpatine's in Lara'li's closet, can I please, please faint?!_" She took that moment to faint very gracefully... sadly, I couldn't do such, because I was laying on the floor, in shock. Still literally, I might add. 

She calls me Lara'li. My name's actually Laura, but Lara'li sounds more interesting. Tiana calls me Shadow a lot, and babbles on and on about what's going to happen to me 6 000 years later, and spends a lot of time trying to warn me about a Shadow Realm. But what can you expect from a sister who thinks she's a Jedi Padawan, and walks around in full costume all the time? I mean, the Force doesn't exist, right? ((I will take now to inform the world that I do not think the Force exists, nor do I act like the characters. Nor has Palpy ever appeared in my room. This story contains distant references to LotG, a fanfic that will be posted one of these days by Yoda Clones.)) 

Oh well, I'll survive with my weird family. Right now, I think all I have to worry about surviving through is getting zapped by my evil closet. I _wish_ it was just my closet. "Cloud?" I squeaked, getting my voice back. "Did you just say that Palpatine was in my closet?" She was unconscious still, having fainted two paragraphs back, and not revived herself yet. Luckily, Tiana walked into the room just then, and did _not_ faint. 

My earlier question was answered by the insane laughter that greeted me from my closet, and another power surge. _Oh great. It had to be Tiana's Palpatine in my closet, and not the Senator version_, I thought darkly, sagging backwards-- a challenge considering I was still half zapped. 

I felt like I had been turned inside out. "Tiana?" 

The rather Jedi looking/acting sister walked over, and knelt beside me. "Don't move, Shadow. You've just suffered a rather great shock from Force-lightning, which does not do great wonders for the nervous system. Hey, when did Palpy get here? I thought... oh well." She shrugged it off. "As long as he's too busy cackling to notice me." 

I let her look me over, and then groaned, "Please tell me that's Arien with some malfunctioned weapon he invented to take over the world." 

"Galaxy," she corrected. "And that's not your brother, Shadow." 

I sighed-- her constant calling me of Shadow did get to be annoying. 

"So, what'd'ja do?" she asked. "He looks a bit grumpy." 

I sat up straight. "I didn't do anything... ow!" 

"I told you not to move!" she stressed. "Will you stay down?" 

I groaned again. I felt like I was toast, and quite literally too, I think. My head hurt. "I need an Advil." However, the two of us were distracted by the fact that the cackling in my closet had stopped, and it finally did not look like some mystery machine from outer space, shooting blue lighting bolts. That it had stopped made me curious. Even though my head felt like it was going to explode, I still stood up. 

"Shadow! Not a good idea!" If nothing else, I can say that my sister, though odd, does know when something isn't a good idea. I knew she was right, but my curiosity got the better of me. I walked over to the closet. 

She wasn't about to let me go over there and get toasted again, so Tiana cut in front and opened the door though I was protesting. 

Looking in, my heart sank. I _knew_ that it was Palpatine-- I recognized the nose. "What is that _dried up, mummified twerp doing laying on my best dresses!_" I yelled-- which wasn't a good idea, because I had to sit down at once, or I would've fainted. Getting zapped is not fun, nor does it have good consequences. 

Tiana smirked. "Looks like it's time you face my world, Shadow." 

"And one more thing. Stop calling me Shadow." 

Tiana grinned darkly. "Yeah, sis." 

I stared at the now-unconscious Emperor lying on my best clothes, and the burnt zap marks all over the walls of the once-nice closet. My words were foreboding and foretelling, and they echoed Tiana's. "It's a conspiracy." 

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Tiana's Solution to the Problem

**Darth Warious:** Yes, everything is a conspiracy. I mean to update this fanfic a bit more often than my other ones, by the way.

**Smenzer:** I emailed you about your review. Which included the fact that No, my master is not Palpy. (shudders) Jandalf's my master, and Audreidi is my co-master. Heh. You'll find out exactly what happens to Palpy sooner or later, of course... I will keep you updated! I promise! Glad you thought my stuff looked interesting! Old age home? Hmmmmmmm...

**Lena Breeze: **Glad it's funny. Palpatine's unconscious because he fried himself, as will come into being in the next chapter (chapter 3) or later. Heheheh. I am Canadian, so I suppose it's a good thing you don't hate Canada!

**Audreidi:** (innocent eyes) Who me? Not involve Palpy more? No way... not in this story... (laughs insanely) This one, though with shorter chapters, will be insane. Now, whyever do you have that tone, Master, when you mention Shadow and Lara'li being in here...? (just you wait...) Erm... you really shouldn't give me plot bunnies, though... because... now... well... you'll see, I suppose. Don't worry. (raises right hand) I give you my solemn promise that Palpatine will be used more in the next few chapters, more so as the chapters go on. Happy? Glad you like it!

* * *

**Chapter Two: Tiana's Solution**

Well, the Emperor remained unconscious for a good while-- in fact, when we left the room a half hour later, he was still unconscious. And I still had a headache.

"Now, I have a plan," Tiana filled in to meet the unbearable silence.

"Uh-huh?" I didn't exactly feel like talking in full sentences after being zapped by Force-lightning. At least, that's what I assumed it was. I had to review the Star Wars movies some time, because I was rather clueless. If I had to wake up to Palpatine in my _closet_, why couldn't it have been the younger Palpatine... groan. I don't _want_ a mummified twerp in my closet!

She grinned, and sat down on the couch. "We call a red-alert on Middle-earth."

Did I mention that she runs a webpage, as well as thinking she's a Jedi? No, I don't think I did. It's called Middle-earth: Insanity. "Red alert..." It took me a moment to understand what she meant. "Tiana! You can't call up all the Middle-earthians!"

Tiana pouted. "Well, not all of them, but any that might be of help."

"Help?! Those... insane... people..." I rolled my eyes. Like her solution would be of any help to me. "Call your friends, then... I need to go... erg..." I stood up, and walked back to my room.

I could hear her grinning. "You have to learn to face reality, Shadow."

"This is reality," I muttered. "And the reality is that this is all a dream."

I swore that I heard her saying something about the Matrix, and Mr. Anderson, but, when I looked back at her, she merely smiled sweetly, and waved me away.

Well, I made it back to my room with little trouble, considering it had been a little while since I had been zapped, at least. However, opening my door, I nearly fainted. Again. I had the strangest feeling that there was going to be a good deal of fainting going on at this rate.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING TO MY CLOSET????" I screamed, when I had got my voice back. The mentioned closet was now on my floor, in pieces. A certain Palpatine was attempting to put it back together.

He looked at me, glint in his eyes, and pointed one shaking finger at me. "You. You're the one you pulled me here in my moment of triumph."

I had no clue what he meant. "I have no clue what you are talking about," I said, to make sure that point was taken.

He cackled. "Shadow, my apprentice..."

"I'm not Shadow," I muttered. _And I'm certainly not your Apprentice. Who'd want to be apprenticed to that dried up freak of nature, anyway?!_

He ignored me. "...obviously, you have forgotten the effects of time travel. Of chasing the worlds like so. They'll be here for you soon..."

I took that moment to slap him. Don't ask me why I felt the need to slap a supposed Emperor that was sitting on my floor, but I did. "Palpatine," I hissed. "You just took apart my closet, messed up my bedroom, which had been clean a moment passed, and fried the power in the house." I just noticed that the power wasn't on. "Now you are acting like that _Tiana_, and calling me Shadow, and expecting me to know what's going on? Well, reality check, you mummified twerp, _I don't!_"

"You would dare call your Emperor a... mummified twerp?" he asked, rising up to his feet in a pathetic imitation of Gandalf. Sadly, the wrinkled up prune appearance did nothing for the act, beyond making him look like someone was inflating a prune balloon.

I sighed. "You aren't my Emperor, and you are in my house. Thus, under my control."

Tiana took that moment to come into the room, and grab me by the arm. The rate I had been going would've probably meant my death by Force-lightning relatively soon. However, I, unlike Tiana, had no belief in all that mumbo-jumbo Force stuff, and was rather annoyed. Who wants an Emperor in your bedroom anyhow?! "Lara'li," she hissed at me-- for once leaving off the old name of Shadow, "it might be wise for your health if you just shut up, and leave this to the red-alert people."

"They aren't here yet," I muttered back, "and you what, expect me to invite him to tea, or something?!"

She shrugged. "Why not?"

"Agh! That was sarcastic!"

I looked back over at a confused Palpatine. Seemingly, Tiana had been speaking in Pig Latin, thus confusing him greatly. We learned Pig Latin back when we were kids, but it worked. "You want to come to tea?" I asked, weakly.

"Yeeeeeeeeeessssssss..." he cackled. Tiana glared at him. He glared back at her-- and I'd swear recognition was on his face. "You..."

She grinned. "Yes, me. And me, and me, and me too. C'mon, Lara'li..." She grabbed me, and dragged me out of the room. "And make sure he doesn't come near me, or Arien," she hissed under her breath. "Not until my backup arrives."

Backup? Oh, great...

I had no clue who Tiana had called in of the Middle-earthian Agents, as they are so dubbed, but I had the feeling this wasn't going to be pretty...

I suppose now would be a good time to clue you in on these Middle-earthians. They are all insane people like Tiana, and they all have strange personas. And they seem to think they are these persons as well. I'm pretty sure I have an idea on who'll be coming, so I'll give you a bit of history, as far as I know it.

There's Maeggaladiel. She's the leader of the nearsighted Elves, a nearsighted girl who thinks she has Elven Jedi Mindpowers-- she's not Force-sensitive online, she only says they're Jedi powers for fun. I've seen her online, and, if I can compare anyone to Tiana, it's probably Maeg.

There's Jandalf. It's inevitable to think Tiana wouldn't call up Jandalf, considering she's positive that they are Master/Padawan. They actually do a fairly good job with that role, if nothing else, even if it's a bit odd. She's the only Middle-earthian that I've ever met before, really, though.

There's Thorongil and Vanacoriel. The two have been stalking each other, attempting to take over the world with a shovel-- currently Vana has it, but it's actually Thorongil's shovel. I don't know much about them, but Tiana probably contacted them.

And, of course, there's Trinity, Darth Warious, Adrienne, Cenerue, and Darth Aragorn-- the latter of whom is actually Jason, and Adrienne having her twin, Destiny. You'll meet them all in due time, of course... even if they are a bit bothersome. In the meantime, I had to get the Emperor tea, and hope that I didn't subsume to the temptation of poisoning him. I'm sure Adrien would've let me borrow some of his poisons, as I'm sure he has some hanging around. But then, I don't know what mom would've said...

My mom is Mystial Anderson. She's some freaky Matrix-like person, and I'd swear she actually thinks the Matrix is real. She, when not off doing Matrixy things, is either being an Elf, or being a mom. She's actually not that bad-- but, as I've said, I'm the only normal one here. Not even the Emperor behind me is normal, considering he's laughing something about galactic domination at the moment.

Normal? Yeah, right.

We actually made it to the kitchen with no problems, unless the fact that the Emperor just appeared in your closet, the power's now out, and your closet is torn into pieces could be classed as a problem. And your sister has just called up half of the members on her webpage while she was at it. No, no problems at all.

It was when we made it into the kitchen that the problem started.

I probably didn't mention that Cloud had waxed the floor the day before, did I? Well, I did now, anyway. I purposefully forgot to warn Palpy-- hey, I don't intend on talking to that mummified freak of nature for as long as I can help it!-- and he ended up gliding across the floor in slow motion.

He landed in a heap of gray robes, looking like a mummy that had fallen apart. And his breathing was remotely akin to Darth Vader's. Not to mention his eyes... I swear he was attempting to imitate Sauron. You know, from Lord of the Rings.

The Pepsi can on the cupboard incinerated, as he took out his frusteration on it, and fell on the floor in a heap of ashes. I dissolved into laughter, it was just too funny.

Tiana rolled her eyes, and handed him a broom. "Clean up the incineration, Emperor Palpatine," she said, annoyed. "That _was_ my Pepsi."

Interestingly enough, Palpatine actually complied with her request, muttering something under his breath about Jedi brats. She just grinned faintly, and sat down. "Oh, just you wait," she muttered. "1 H4V3 P145 F0R '/U0, P41P471N3..."

To this date, I have no clue on how she manages to actually speak in L337. And yet, that girl still does it.

I made tea, and sat down with a cup, and wondered whether I'd ever wake up from this dream. Well, I did wake up from my wishes that it wasn't a dream when Palpatine shouted something about not enough sugar in his tea.

I went and got the sugar cubes, and bashed them over his head. You wouldn't believe what the Emperor looks like with sugar crystals stuck to his hood...

Tiana merely smirked, and said, "Paint Wars, meet your match..."

I had a suddenly bad feeling-- and for more than one reason. A) Paint Wars was a fanfiction she had wrote in which many Jedi Masters were dyed, and B) Because the Emperor was glaring at me so furiously, that I thought his eyes were going to ignite.

If I had to have a character appear in my closet, why, oh _why_ couldn't it have been someone cute like Luke Skywalker?!


	3. He Doesn't Like Pepsi!

**Darth Warious:** Glad you love it... but.... sorry, I can't stop dissing Palpy. You'll have to get used to it. For now, anyhow... the plot will advance...

**Smenzer: **Yes, Palpy will have problems when the people from my webpage show up... (cackles) And that's a great suggestion there... must try that in the next few chapters... oh, and the mystery behind all the where Palpy is, and all that will be cleared up sooner or later...

**Jandalf the Orange**: Erg. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND COKE, MY DEAR MASTER!!!!! SO THERE! In fact, I happen to like Sprite, actually... the only reason I used Pepsi was A) Because it was the first brand name I thought of, and B) It's a plot devince concerning your character. I know you don't like Pepsi... heh. Good pace, yesss... THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING ME!! (bounces) You'll see what part you'll play... cackle... althought we both know it's impossible to escape that Tiana's your Padawan. Started as a joke, and now it's... inevitable. Oh, oh, one more thing-- can I borrow Jethine? For a short scene?

**Maeggaladiel:** YAY! MAEG REVIEWED ME! (cheerful) I'm so happy!!!! Sorry about the Elven Jedi Mide Powers quip, but... yeah. Shadow doesn't think you have powers... yet. (tempts fate, as usual) You ARE in my fanfic, yessssss... (laughs) You're the first character in, actually, now! Here's chapter 3!

And guess what? TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! I'M 15 TODAY! Erm... enough with that, and on to the story!

**Chapter Three:**

You know, I'm writing this much after the incidence actually happened. You know, a little bit earlier I wrote a wish that it would've been Luke in my closet. Eating your words is fun-- they taste really good with salt and a bit of garlic, actually. I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself, but at the time, I wasn't too pleased to have the Emperor in my closet.

You can't blame me, really-- though powerful he may be, _I didn't want a dried up freak of nature in my closet_. Or, in what _had_ been my closet. It was now charred wood sitting on my bedroom floor at the moment. At that time, I really wished I knew what Tiana was up to, but, as she typically is, she was being distant.

Palpatine was at present screaming about the lack of green tea in our kitchen. Hey, I like coffee, why on Earth would I keep green tea?! Imported green tea from the third moon of Tatooine, at that! I swear, Tiana was hiding a smile at every given moment as I attempted to convince him that coffee was not poison.

I failed at that task, by the way. Seems our Emperor has a dislike to caffeine.

If nothing else, that meant he refused Pepsi too. Oddly, he was willing to accept Coke, though.

You ever seen a dehydrated Emperor attempt to drink Coke? I have. It was... interesting.

Went something like this:

Tiana: "Here, try this Emperor Palpatine."

Palatine was very wary. "What is it? You trying to poison me, Jedi fool?"

I heard her mutter something about only being a Padawan, and then she handed him a can of Coke. "Just take it. I'm a _Jedi_, remember? I don't _kill_ people, even if they are as akin to raisins as you are."

I don't think he caught that as an insult, oddly, but he took the Coke. He had refused Pepsi Blue on the grounds that the last can of it he had seen exploded in his face. Then he started choking, turned remotely green and blue, and his eyes started fizzing.

Great. He's allergic to carbon dioxide too.

I walked over, and slapped him, hard. "You swallow it, fool!" I hissed at him, running to wash my hands. Did I just _touch_ that thing?! _I'M CONTAMINATED NOW! AGH!_

Palpatine was too in shock to react violently. I don't think he's used to being slapped. Well, if he's in my home, he'd better be getting used to insanity. And really fast as well-- knowing my family.

Well, my family, and the people that Tiana had called up.

For once, I think I was actually eager for them to arrive. Knowing the people behind them well enough, I don't know if that was a good idea or not.

Tiana wore that distant smirk on her face, as if she knew what was going to happen. Sometimes I wonder if she didn't know what was going to happen-- or maybe the smirk was merely just implication of her present plans. But she hadn't shared those with me.

Okay, now what's going to happen? "Palpatine, you want some water?"

"You will address me as 'Emperor', fool, or Master."

"You, _Emperor_ Palpatine, are not my Master." I glared at that wizened old dude so harshly, I was nearly as scary looking as he was for a moment. Minus the fact that I don't look remotely like a raisin. "There is no such thing as the Force, and you are merely some demented Star Wars fan who decided to zap my closet as a joke. And, even if there was such thing as the Force, I wouldn't want to be apprenticed to a mummified old crone such as yourself. Even Jandalf would be a better choice."

I expected him to react to that rather harshly, but he didn't. Almost a scrap of normality crossed his eyes for a moment, and he cackled. "Soooo... you never told Shadow, did you?" He was talking to Tiana then.

"Of course not," she snapped. "Maybe I got tired of paradoxes. Maybe I don't want to face the happenings of... that... time... all over again." She stood up and threw a towel at him. "It would do you well to forget that Shadow even existed," she hissed, sounding almost as evil as Palpatine there.

"Who are you, Jedi fool, to tell me what to do?"

"I'm Tiana Elass," she answered, dryly. "Who are you to attempt to return this paradox? The mirror nearly cracked last time, are you trying to destroy it? I would not be here unless there was danger of my living in the other mirrored world. Who are you, Palpatine?"

"You think too highly of yourself."

"Do I?"

I hate to think of what would've happened, had at that moment the doorbell not rang. I was pleased to have an excuse to get out of that room and let Tiana and Palpy duel it out. As long as they didn't touch my computer, that was.

Well, maybe answering the door _wasn't _a better choice. I still dislike talking to some of those Middle-earthians, and opening the door to an elf isn't always fun. Thus I did not open the door.

Tiana heard the door, and wandered over, losing the strange light in her eyes, and grinning. "It's showtime!" she said, opening the door. I didn't know if she meant literally or not, of course-- you can never tell with Tiana. Or Cloud. Or... well... anyone in this area. Or not.

Can someone please give me a logical explanation of how a girl can get up from the Southern States in less than 15 minutes?! I keep on top of some things, and I know where most of her insane friends are from-- Maeggaladiel was from the States. Somewhere, anyhow. (location not disclosed for the sake of Maeg. No locations beyond country will be given, and mayhaps a made up town name)

At least, I thought it was Maeggaladiel. Maeg for short. Or tall. She's as tall as an elf, looks like an elf, acts like an elf, and wears glasses. Come _on_, how many nearsighted elves are out there, anyhow?! I swear she thinks she's an elf. She stared at me through her glasses. "Hi, Shadow," she said cheerfully, taking off her glasses to clean them. "You are Shadow, right?"

"My name isn't Shadow," I muttered, but was cut off when she crashed into me. She can't see without her glasses on. I still had a bad feeling about this, for some strange reason.

She stared at Tiana-- I was pretty sure by the looks on both of their faces that there was something they weren't telling me there. Or maybe not. It looked like they were having a conversation in their heads. If nothing else, they were doing a good job of acting it out. Maybe Tiana really is a Force-sensitive, and maybe Maeg really does have Elven Jedi Mind Powers. I really need to spot tempting fate.

Maybe talking to Palpatine will be easier than trying to understand these Middle-earthians.

I walked back into the kitchen, and pulled out a Sprite. "So, Palpatine," I asked, cautiously, "what is all this 'Shadow' business about, anyhow...?"


End file.
